Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
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Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
My dog ate my work from home.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Our lord and savoury.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Sooo many times…..
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Good point.