[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
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Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please