Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
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I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Bringing home a sharpie