I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
You Might Also Like
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
‘I know a black person’
– White people
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
i dont have time for this
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you