Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
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[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Oh, I bet you would be
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
BETRAYAL