-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
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When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
good for her
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.