-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
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Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
I am having an out of money experience.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.