me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
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Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
That 👊
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”