Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
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Lmaoo 😂
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages