Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
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[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
AM I BEING GASLIT????
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator