If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
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I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
asked my bf how work was today
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Breaking news:
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.