My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
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It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Just ordered me some pizza!
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.