“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
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Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I just love that new Pope smell.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension