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My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”