I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
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I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]