Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
You Might Also Like
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.