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I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.