Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
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Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Crying is a sign of leakness.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession