Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
You Might Also Like
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
inside you are two wolves
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]