Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
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No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you