@ArtConDee: Can you just bear with me for a moment? *grabs salmon out of stream. bites head off. hibernates.*
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@TheSnideOne: What I say: "Does anyone need anything from the store?" What I mean: "I'm off to smoke a bowl in my car so I can deal with all of you."
@poizngrl: Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working! *eye twitches
@3sunzzz: Me: My son totaled another car. Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons? M: yes P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE'RE GOING TO ARUBA!
@themiltron: [God creating the ocean] GOD: Just put water friggin everywhere. ANGEL: Nice, that way if they’re thirsty, they— GOD: Make it undrinkable.