how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
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Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Traveler’s camo
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.