@ArtConDee: Can you just bear with me for a moment? *grabs salmon out of stream. bites head off. hibernates.*
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@stevetweeters: Oops. Everyone brought their "see you next year"s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
@onion_an: 1st date: I love the spiderman movies Me: So do I [thinking of something to say to impress her] Me: I used to be a spider
@LaziestCanine: Cashier: find everything okay? Me: yes [comes back 5 hours later] Me: [through the tears] i lied, i've been trying to find Kony since 2012
@hippieswordfish: *she leans in close* 'kyle, what's your wildest fantasy?' *i close my eyes and imagine opening a 10pc chicken nugget and finding 11 pieces*