5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
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There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…