can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
You Might Also Like
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?