“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
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*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
*looks at you in batman voice*
*aggressively waits in line*
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.