“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
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Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
I’m going to need a moment here.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.