@OfficeofSteve: Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
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@dance_blessed: Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you're also white.
@Prof_Hinkley: [announcement over PA at work] "FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM" *I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone's eyeglasses*
@SusanRinell: Speed-dating, but it's just me going from table to table stealing fries from unsuspecting couples gazing longingly into each other's eyes