@OfficeofSteve: Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
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@gingerfaced: [arrives in heaven] how'd you die? me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
@MarfSalvador: Cop: He's getting away! Quickly, cut him off! Criminal: Get outta my— Rookie: STOP TALKING
@Annoyedworld: I suck my stomach in when ever I weigh myself!nnIt doesn't make me weigh less but at least I can see the numbers!
@novicefather: [iphone vibrates] 3yo: daddy someone is texting you [landline phone rings] 3yo: what is that sound?