@OfficeofSteve: Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
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@jordanrubin: "We stopped making the style of jeans that fit you perfectly right after you bought your first pair." -Every store ever
@philco816: Kids we are running late let's go! *Kids I'm going to count every stair on the way down with out my shoes on.*
@Karissajem: Neighbors just got a pirate ship playhouse for their backyard. Drunk me has never been so excited.