Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
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Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.