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I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
This is always good for a laugh.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars