Canada has crack?
You Might Also Like
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
This is my favorite one of these!
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Not all heroes wear capes.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”