Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
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my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?