HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
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“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.