CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
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If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
can’t catch a break
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
what?
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
People who hate candy corn love telling you.