CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
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Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
When you don’t understand how floors work
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.