Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
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Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s