@BaldyLockzz: Canadian whiskey is just whiskey that apologizes for your hangover in the morning
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@rickkondell: Saw a homeless guy at McDonald's begging for money, told him I'd buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
@BrownBoxers: No cop can catch a kid on a 10 speed. -every 80s movie with cops chasing kids on 10 speeds.
@daemonic3: Kangaroo 911: What's your emergency? Kangaroo: I CAN'T FIND MY CHILDREN Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets? Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
@turtledumplin: Before he leaves for work, my husband whispers the 3 words I love to hear him say... "I made coffee"