Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
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Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend