Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
You Might Also Like
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Never be a pizza!
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.