Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
You Might Also Like
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.