I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
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Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met