@TheBoydP: Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures...
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@roostermustache: [on a date with a teacher] Me: your eyes are beautiful Her: yours too Me:*leans in, whispers* can i kiss you Her: i don't know CAN YOU
@OneTrickTofani: [At Wedding] Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife? Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND Priest: TOO LATE. YOU'RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
@CoatCzech: 1) My wife and I are fighting 2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me 3) My phone is in the room where she's sleeping