Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
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having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.