Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
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bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Art by Pastelkatto
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
✌️
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.