If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
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It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Fights fire with marshmallows
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
In space, no one can hear…
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done