[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
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WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I think I’m having a stroke
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
respect
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer