My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
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Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
A great tip. #CakeRex
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?