canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
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we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
*pronounces UPS like yoops
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Dammit Chief not again
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?