[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
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I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
How to woo a woman
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..