@bigmacher: Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
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@bourgeoisalien: if someone asks you about yourself say "OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story" then just wander off
@animadvertguy: 1816: a grizzly bear ate my mom as she fetched drinking water. 1916: I'm in a muddy trench, bleeding internally. 2016: IM OFFENDED!
@roostermustache: Me: can i play music Funeral director: that's not appropriate Me: nana would've wanted it Director: ok CD player: someBODY once told me