Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
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No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE