@MarkAgee: Candy corn is the rare candy that's worse than than the vegetable it's based on.
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@BruceForce: Some dude told me he's had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
@IncrediblyRich: I'm going to skip home tonight because sometimes life is seriously brilliant. *throws confetti*
@StarWarsProblms: [at the shooting range] Recruit: Sir, I missed every target. Officer: Perfect. *makes him a stormtrooper*
@bourgeoisalien: [walking down street with date after dinner] him: i had a great time me: yep... [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]