Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
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me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.