Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
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being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
get you a girl who
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
remember
only for emergencies
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”