@NotthatAdamWest: Saw a bumper sticker that said 'Jesus is the answer.' Two cars later I saw one that said 'Who farted?' Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

@Jake_Vig: Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive. Now picture them holding a pizza box.

@Parkerlawyer: Client, "I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito."

@bad_as_you_want: My boss said , "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." Now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting wearing my wonder woman costume

@MyPornKhan: When folks unfollow me shortly after they've followed me I just figure they sobered up.