Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
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hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
i love modern commerce
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”